This Gift of Grief

I don’t know what to feel
Grief? Rage? Guilt? Relief?
The facts before me seem surreal

What did I do?
Why should we suffer?
If God is pro-life why can’t I be a mother?
I want someone to blame
Why couldn’t my babies get a face or a name?

God, what did I do?
Why do you tease?
What have I done to make you this displeased?
I know I’m a sinner, and I daily repent
But those babes did no harm, so why the torment?

I know your great power, I know you make all
I know my complaint to you should shock and appall
I know you have reasons and I should praise you now
But I’m battered and bruised so this rant please allow

Oh LORD, this pain, I just want relief
I want retribution from death, that great thief
I’m tired of waiting, Lord, make all things new
I want my dear babies that you took home with you

Everything hurts both inside and out
My head is throbbing, my heart filled with doubt
Please heal my heart Lord, and prop up my faith
When I look in the mirror I see naught but a wraith
Just bones draped with skin and eyes that are red
Mourning what could have been if my body’d not bled

I should be thanking you that I’m still alive
With a husband that loves me
And your Son that once died
For my sins to be cleansed and my spirit set free
If it wasn’t for him I know where I’d be

My head has this knowledge
My heart knows it’s true
But Lord all I wanted was to kiss that boo-boo
To see my husband become the best dad
GOD, WHY? That was something we could have had!

I don’t know how to go on
I don’t wish to try
I just want to sit here and continue to cry
I don’t know your purpose
I don’t know your plan
But I will choose to accept what comes from your hand
Whether pain or delight I’ll try not to fight
I’ll choose to go on, to depend on your might

But please, dear Jesus
I stumbled and fell
I can’t at this moment say “my spirit is well”
Hope seems to me like a four letter word
A concept so silly that it seems quite absurd
But so was the cross: to be buried and raised
And through that crazy concept the world was saved

So I’ll kneel once more
Though I can’t raise my head
I’ll try to be thankful for my daily bread
I will hold all I have in a wide open hand
Knowing it’s there simply by your command
Thank you for everything both the good and the bad
In richer, in poorer
The glad and the sad
Knowing that all comes from above
Every time my heart’s broken it learns a new way to love

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