I was going to do serious Oscar predictions, but then I was all, “EH TOO LATE YOLO.” So instead you just get my sassy ones.
To punish the Academy for being so terribly indecisive about its Best Picture nominations, fate causes the votes to end up in a perfect, 8-way tie. To remedy this, the Academy mandates that all eight directors have to produce a film in 2016 that fits the collective genres of the nominees: biography, drama, thriller, romance, action, adventure, sci-fi, and history. Steven Speilberg secretly has Quentin Tarantino film a biopic entitled “The Oscar 8” of the endeavor, wherein all the directors go mad and kill each other, probably. John Williams scores the descent into madness, and the documentary sweeps the Oscars in 2017. SPOILERS!
Technically Alejandro G. Iñárritu won it based on the votes, but no one is quite sure how to pronounce it so they just decide to give it to George Miller instead. His name is like, the vanilla ice cream of names. Plus he was born in a town named Chinchilla. Who doesn’t love Chinchillas?
Eddie Redmayne wins AGAIN, but contention breaks out among the other Best Actor nominees who argue he should’ve been in the “Best Actress” category because, “Wasn’t he playing a girl anyway?” A lot of sexual confusion plays out to ABC’s horror, and they decide from 2016 on that all the best actors go into one category because wow, gender is hard nowadays.
As they were about to announce the winner, Eddie Redmayne walks onto stage and starts his second acceptance speech. Later security discovers that he actually stole every single Oscar and shipped them back to England. When questioned, he muttered something about “a gift for the Queen” and “Jupiter Ascending was one of the best movies of all time.”
Best Supporting Actor
After an unintelligible mumble-off between Tom Hardy and Sylvester Stallone, Sylvester punches Tom in the nose and takes the Oscar. Basically these Academy Awards are insane.
Best Supporting Actress
Alicia Vikander wins Best Supporting because of the 5,346 campaigning letters I sent to members of the Academy. YOU’RE WELCOME, ALICIA. (It was for the Man from U.N.C.L.E., though.)
Best Original Screenplay
Inside Out wins for Original Screenplay. Oscar Isaac’s response in the crowd is captured as he mutters “UNREAL,” while reeling from an emotional knife stab to the gut. He then drinks himself under the table.
Best Adapted Screenplay
The Martian wins while I scream “THE BOOK WAS BETTER” while flipping over tables in the comfort of my home.
Best Animated Feature
Inside Out wins, OF COURSE. Pixar/Disney doesn’t employ 1,200 assassins for nothing.
Best Foreign Language Film
No one in the Academy actually watched these except that one dude who knows French. Whichever one he liked wins.
Best Documentary Feature
Speaking of assassins, Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom wins best documentary but unfortunately the recipients are sniped by a shirtless Putin riding a bear.
Mad Max: Fury Road wins because of a (possibly true) rumor that the camera man had to film while strapped to the front of a vehicle and dodging random streams of fire shot at him by the director.
Best Film Editing
Star Wars: The Force Awakens wins because all my friends kidnapped the Academy’s families and are holding them hostage until they prove they can “make the right choice.” Such strong emotions about a movie always lead to the dark side, so this is the only logical conclusion to this story.
Best Production Design
No one even knows what this means so they just give it to the Revenant for exceptional snow and trees.
Best Costume Design
This award goes to Cinderella because Cate Blanchett is in this and Carol anyway, and Cinderella has many poofy dresses that everyone thinks they want to wear but would actually be smothered in. POOFY.
Best Original Score
This goes to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, not because it is exceptional, but because of the aforementioned hostage situation and also the Academy making up for the fact that it DIDN’T award John Williams an Oscar for the following scores:
- Any of the Indiana Jones movies
- Saving Private Ryan
- The Patriot
- Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
- …and like a thousand other better or at least equal scores.
They also play Chariots of Fire while they wait for him to hobble up to the stage – partly because of how long it takes him but mostly because it’s what beat out the first Indiana Jones movie in Best Score of 1981.
Best Original Song
Best Visual Effects
This went to The Martian because the Academy was feeling nostalgic about that one time they staged the moon landing for NASA.
AH THE GOOD OL’ DAYS.
Best Makeup & Hairstyling
This went to the Revenant, simply because the Academy thought Leonardo DiCaprio had prosthetics for his wounds, but they actually just let a Grizzly Bear maul him while shooting.
Best Sound Mixing
This award goes to Bridge of Spies, primarily for the musical number Tom Hanks does in it to diffuse the Cold War from breaking out.*
*That wasn’t in the version you watched? Well you got gypped, friend.
Best Sound Editing
Best sound editing goes to Star Wars: The Force Awakens, for being brave enough to use the Wilhelm scream after the Hobbit movies (among a thousand others) made audiences hate it.
Best Documentary Short, Best Live Action Short Film, Best Animated Short Film
At this point in the night everyone had joined Oscar Isaac in a drinking game and no one remembers who got those Oscars. Other than Eddie Redmayne, who of course stole them anyway.
Good night and good luck, Oscar nominees. Hide those tiny golden men from Eddie. You’ll thank me later.